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transparentman's Blog


Terminator Chicken

Two friends are trying to decide which grocery store they should go to , to do their weekly food shopping.  
One say to the other, " I think we should shop at a whole foods store,be cause their meat come from animals that were  raised with out the use of steroids ."
Other guy asks  his friend,"when you eat steroid free meat,can you see or taste a difference in the quality of the meat?" 
His friend relied,''No, but last night at dinner time, my steroid raised chicken meat did his best Arnold Schwarzenegger  impersonation and threaten to break my face if I try to cut him up with my fork and knife. " 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo
Mar 24, 2014

A Standing Ovation For The Chef

A man and His wife are sitting in a five star restaurant,trying to rekindle the flames of romance.   They just got done eating their dinner and now they are sipping on a glass of desert wine while the waiter is placing their deserts in front of them.
Out of no where the man tell his wife ,"" Honey, I really got to loose some weight!
"I need to go on a diet, and start doing exercises like buns Of Steel or Butt Busters."
His wife ask," What is going on with you ? "       " Out of no where you start talking about having a weight problem."     "  I have always thought   you were comfortable with your self!"
The man replies," Well Honey I just farted, and my butt cheeks  applauded the chef   who had prepared our meals this evening.   

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo
Feb 14, 2014

Body Freedom Is Deemed Weird By Talk Show Host

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Doggy Santa

You ever come a cross one of those dog lovers that has a screw lose in their head?
 You know the people that buy designer outfits for their dogs ,and force their pet to  wear them.
The people who buy their dog's meals from the most expensive restaurants in town.
The people who think dogs should be granted the right to vote for politicians.

Well around Christmas time I heard on the radio that the newest thing dog owners can do is take their dog to visit Doggy Santa.      Some one actually make money from dressing their dog up in a Santa outfit, so Dog owner can bring their dogs to visit Doggy Santa to tell him what they want to receive for Christmas. 
I heard that this is so popular that the line for a visit with Doggy Santa  raped around a mall.
So  I could imagine a conversation taking place between a dog lover with a screw loose in their head and their misbehaving dog,while waiting in line to visit Doggy Santa.
Dog owner," Fluffy, Remember not to try to hump Doggy Santa while He is listing to another dog's Christmas list.
Be cause if you do, Doggy Santa won't stuff your stocking with squeaky toys
Instead he will fill you stocking with cat shit !

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo    
Jan 3, 2014

Big Surprises Sometimes Come In Small Packages

A three year old boy plays a joke on his dad. He takes a chocolate bar and smears it on his face and hands and then goes up to his dad and says," Daddy , I try to be a big boy and change my own diaper.  When I cut the wrong wire to defuse the bomb I found in my diaper, it blew up in my face !  "  
Can you clean me up ?      
Please !!!!      

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo
Dec 8, 2013

Glass Prism


My spectrum of  self expression is not captured in a portrait of black and white.

My artistic talent are received from One source of  pure light.

Passing through me like  a  glass  prism, expressing them in diversity of colors in my life.

 

Christ is my muse,

But in this life I will reflect His image  like a polished piece of metal.

Not perfectly clear like a glass mirror,

because their are shades of gray in my vinear.

 

My spectrum of  self expression is not captured in a portrait of black and white.

 

One day I will step into the presence of the source of pure light.

His spectrum of  glory will blot out the existence of black and white.

My impurity will be berried in my grave,

I will enter His glory resurrected in the perfect image of Christ. 

 

In that day my spectrum of artistic talent will be perfected through One Source Of light. 

 

I can't wait,

Because My spectrum of  self expression is not captured in a portrait of black and white.

 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo

Nov 28,2013

Afternoon Delight

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Halloween Tighty Whities


There is this little poor boy who wants to go trick or treating,but has no money to buy a costume .   So to come up with a costume he puts a pair of underwear on his head.

 

The little boy knock on the door of the first house he notice is handing out candy to children.

 

The door open and and a woman dressed as a cat greets him and robotically put candy in his bag.

 

With a fake smile the woman tries to hide here bewilderment by the boy standing in the door way with a pare underwear on his head,she asks," What are you suppose to be?"

 

The little boy replies," An Ass Hole! "

 

Written By Stephen J. Vattimo

 

October 18, 2013

Freed Soul


Tortured soul

Struggling to survive another day of  wearing the chains of voluntary  slavery,to earn my keep.

 

Struggling to labor with my fellow slaves,

some try to cut me like glass,

while other try to break my bone like rocks.

 

Tortured soul

Long to break free from these chains that hold me to the ground.

Longing to spread wrings of creativity,to earn my keep.

Souring on the winds of Art,poetry,comedy.

 

Rising from the dust of a tortured soul to the rebirth of a fulfilled soul.

Using the God given gifts of creativity to bring color into A gloomy world.

 

That fellow slave to sin,may open their hearts of glass or stone  to God,that through His Holy spirit  their hearts will become like clay.

So God can mold them into the beautiful image of his Son.

 

Written by Stephen J .Vattimo

Sept 19 2013

No Pets Allowed


There are these  20 foreigners living in a two bedroom apartment. There's no furniture in the place,just room to put 20 Mattress on the floor for them to sleep at night.

 One day one foreigner turned to  another and say," Hey man, you can't live here any more."

The other foreigner asks "Why?"   "What did I do?

His Roommate replies" Every one know you got crabs from messing around with the local Hoochie mama,you have been meet  at the bar for the last couple of months."

  " The apartment lease states no pets allowed."    " So you got to go!"

 

 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo

Sept 17, 2013

Why Nudity Makes Life More Pleasant

Nudity Make life more pleasant because a nudists is living in  harmony with the natural order
all creatures.     Meaning all creature wear no clothes.
Nudity make life more comfortable because their is no underwear to ride up parts of the body, or cause joke itch by trapping sweat against the body in dark places which provide a breading ground for fungus and bacteria.
Nudity also make a person feel more alive because their bodies aren't numbed by being covered by clothes which cut of most of their body surfaces that are designed to feel the world around them.
Nudity is also health for the skin it because it allow the body to breath  easier and help the body to produce vitamin D buy being exposed to the sun.
Nudity also cut down on the cost of living,if you spend less time wear clothes then you have to do laundry less and you same money by not using water,electricity,soap.
  Nudity also help a person see what kind of physical shape their body is in.
If their out of shape there is no clothes hiding the problem.
Nudity also allows the body to have free movement,with out clothes  interfering.
 Most feeling a live experience I have had is rollerblading in the nude.   Feeling the uninhibited movement of the body while the breeze of air flowing freely over the whole body while gliding down a bike trail.

Public Nudity Laws Are A Civil Rights Violation.




 


I think laws against public nudity are out dated and are a civil right Violation.
The reason I believe laws against public nudity are a civil right violation is because 
The law is punishing people who desire to live the way they were naturally created by by God,and the way they entered into this world.
This law when broken also publicly falsely labels people who practice nudity as sex offenders.
Even if their was no immoral activity involved when the nudist was seen in public.
I my self am A Bible believing Christian and try to live a obedient life before God,and I can not find in the word of God were nudity is a sinful act.
Matter of fact in the second chapter of the book of Genesis at the end of the count of creation the chapter closes with the statement that God commanded them to procreate and fill the earth, and to have dominion over all that was on the earth, and they were naked and had no same. 
Also in the first two chapter of the book of Genesis in the creation account after God created man on the sixth day it state God saw it was good. the word good refers to being complete, needing nothing further. 
So since creatures are born and die naked is not the law against public nudity also a violation against the laws of nature?
How twisted is society that they flood our mind with nudity and sex by putting nudity and sex in movies,television show,use nudity in commercial and advertisement . Yet they arrest and fine and put people in jail, and publicly labels them as sexual predators,when practicing public nudity has noting to do with sex.
Children in schools are being educated about sex by our public schools and they are being provided with birth control, so why would public nudity be a danger to children? 
Last but not least how unsanitary can nudity be? Your cats and dogs sit and lay around your house naked all the time. Do you make them wear body condoms around your house for sanitary reason. Children who group up on a farm or take horse riding lesions have see some big genitals of animals, so why is it immoral to see the naked human body.


  • Feature This Story


Nap Time At The Beach


Two friends are sitting on the beach soaking in some sun rays. One is a slim person and the other person is overweight.

 So the over weight person turns toward his friend and says",Last week I decided enough is enough, I am going to work hard to loose 80 pounds of weight !."

 His friend replies, " You have always been comfortable with your situation. Why all of a sudden are you on this kick to loose weight?" 

The over weight person says," I realized I needed to do something about my weight when last week  I  had to go to the police station and file a restraining order against The group Green Peace."

His friend  asked, "Why did you do that for?"

The over weight person replied, " I am sick and tiered of every time I take a nap on the beach,I wake up to being push in the ocean by Green Peace."

 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo 

August 11,2013

A Whale Of A Corny Story


There is this man who lives next door to a Whale Of A Man, who is retired from a World famous traveling freak show .

So This man decides to invite The Whale Of A Man over to his house for a cook out.  

   Thinking to him self  how cool his guest will think he is  fore having a celebrity attending his cook out.  Entertaining everyone by sharing his stories of adventures of world travel with a world famous freak show. 

 The Whale Of A Man asked his neighbor, " what kind of food are you planning to serve at your cook out ?"

  The Neighbor started to rattle off his list of foods he was planning to serve,"Well I am planning to have freshly grown sweet white corn on the cob."

 After hearing" sweet white corn on the cob",The Whale Of A Man interrupted his neighbor and staid, " My Doctor told me I should not eat corn on the cob, it's dangerous to my health."

 The dumb founded neighbor asked," Why?"

The Whale Of A Man replied ",My Doctor warn me that the cobs from the corn can get stock in my blow hole, and cause death!"

 

Written By Stephen J. Vattimo

August 9, 2013

I Must Be Six Feet Under If I Don't Make Fun Of This Company's Name

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"Did You Say Something ? "


Two friends are at the college  library,working on their research papers.

All of a sudden one them break the deafening silents in the room by let loose a thunderous  fart.

So the other guy try to be cleaver, ask his friend," Did you say something?"

The guy who farted replies ," I didn't  say any thing important. I am just talking shit over here."

 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo

July 21, 2013 

Guess Who Just Moved Into The Neighbor Hood ?


There is this man who like the most of us , has tried to suppressed  his fear of the Boogeyman hiding underneath  his bed .       One night as this man was getting into his bed for a much needed nights sleep.  He felt something tug on his leg.  He looked down  to see what had him by the leg,to his surprise it was the Grim Reaper.

   The Grim Reaper  who was sticking half way out from underneath  the bed, cheerfully , apologized for causing the fight to the terrified man, than introduced him self.

   The Grim Reaper explained to the man in the bed, that he just moved into the neighborhood and wanted to make new friends,but was having a very hard time due to his occupation .

 So to show the terrified man, he was not this dreadful monster ,every one through out the centuries has made him out to be.   He invited the man in the bed down for dinner.

So the bewildered man in the bed asked the Grim Reaper what he was planning on cooking for dinner? 

The Grim Reaper replied enthusiastically  , For You I will prepare one of my specialties, Roasted Dust Bunnies. 

 

Written by Stephen J. Vattimo

July 4th 2013

Hose At Hand


Do you remember some time around the late 8o's or early 90's, when it was fashionable for a man who thinks he's cool,to hold his couch while he is carrying  on a conversations with others?       

 Well if a dude came up to me and start a conversation with me while he's  holding his crouch, the first question I would ask Him is.

 " Dude , Why are you holding your hose in your hand while you are talking to me?" 

"Are you trying to recruit me to join the volunteer firer fighters? "

 

Written By Stephen J. Vattimo 

April 15,2013

The Value Of A Tatoo


Two men who are good friends are sitting on the beach watching girls go by.  One guy is average build, while the other guy is overweight.    

  Now Bill notice his friend Ted has a new tato  of Mount Rushmore across the center of his fat stomach. 

 Bill pokes his friend in the stomach and ask," When did you get the new tato?  "

"I thought you were low on money, since you have been out of work fore a while."

" Why did you wast your money and get a tato of Mount Rushmore  put across  your stomach?"

Ted replies, "This tato is not a waste of money! "  

"  This tato is a investment!"

" I am planing to charge tourist money to have their picture taken in front of a National monument."

 

Written By Stephen J. Vattimo 

April 5, 2013

Now Doing Vidios On Youtube

Greeting friends,

You can now see Stephen J. Vattimo on YouTube preforming stand up versions of His Short humorous Stories

1-20 of 52 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Terminator Chicken, posted March 24th, 2014, 1 comment
A Standing Ovation For The Chef, posted February 14th, 2014
Body Freedom Is Deemed Weird By Talk Show Host, posted January 26th, 2014
Doggy Santa, posted January 5th, 2014
Big Surprises Sometimes Come In Small Packages, posted January 5th, 2014
Glass Prism, posted November 29th, 2013
Afternoon Delight, posted November 27th, 2013
Halloween Tighty Whities, posted October 20th, 2013
Freed Soul, posted September 20th, 2013
No Pets Allowed, posted September 17th, 2013
Why Nudity Makes Life More Pleasant, posted September 12th, 2013
Public Nudity Laws Are A Civil Rights Violation., posted September 6th, 2013
Nap Time At The Beach, posted August 11th, 2013
A Whale Of A Corny Story, posted August 9th, 2013
I Must Be Six Feet Under If I Don't Make Fun Of This Company's Name, posted August 2nd, 2013
"Did You Say Something ? ", posted August 2nd, 2013
Guess Who Just Moved Into The Neighbor Hood ?, posted August 2nd, 2013
Hose At Hand, posted August 2nd, 2013
The Value Of A Tatoo, posted August 2nd, 2013
Now Doing Vidios On Youtube, posted April 7th, 2013
Mother Nature's Redeemer, posted February 18th, 2013
Three Things A Wife or Death Row Inmate Will Receive., posted February 18th, 2013
Can You Come Out And Play?, posted February 18th, 2013
Stealth Ingredient Information Panel., posted January 27th, 2013
Blow Santa Away, posted January 27th, 2013
What's The Name Of That Perfume You Are Wearing ?, posted January 27th, 2013
How Can You fix It,If You Can't See It's Broken ?, posted January 27th, 2013
Things No One Exspects To Find Out About At The Bar, posted January 27th, 2013
Fireworks At The Beach, posted September 12th, 2012
Mirrors In The Attic, posted September 12th, 2012
Auto Air Condition Powered by Candy Bars, posted September 12th, 2012
Questions American Citizen Should Ponder In light Of The President Spell Binding Speech., posted September 12th, 2012
Misspelled Word Turned Into A Joke, posted September 12th, 2012
"Guess where I am calling you from ?", posted May 26th, 2012
Manufacture's Price, posted May 14th, 2012
Cinderella Fellow, posted April 2nd, 2012
Drive Through Window, posted March 10th, 2012
Freedom To Fly, posted March 8th, 2012
Drive Through Window, posted March 8th, 2012
Talking Heads, posted February 11th, 2012
Virtual - Desirable ,Reality - Reposive ?, posted January 29th, 2012
Phobias of Cookies,Candy,and Toys, posted January 21st, 2012
What's In A Name ?, posted January 9th, 2012
Finding Christmas Spirit, posted December 24th, 2011
Look Me In The Eye When You Talk To Me, posted December 1st, 2011
Common Sense Look At Sin, posted November 24th, 2011
Humorous short story about two stoner that inspire to be human encyclopedias of lyrics to songs., posted November 19th, 2011
A Fish Tail, posted November 14th, 2011
The Creator Of A New Day, posted November 3rd, 2011
The Light House, posted October 29th, 2011
1-50 of 55 Blog Posts   

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